Sunday, August 3, 2008
no time is a good time for goodbye
in all of the you're-going-to-college-now-what? advice books that i've been reading, a main point is that it's best to be romantically unattached when entering your postsecondary education. this means that if you do/did have a significant other in high school, its best to break it off.
i know that this is what's best, but its been so hard to actually come to the conclusion that i need to do this. i've been with the same guy for about two years now (which is an extremely long time in high school) and its safe to say that i've fell firmly in love with him. sure, we have our momentary moments of anger with one another, disagreements on politics or current affairs or just about anything else one could think of, but we always seem to patch things up. no, i don't know if he is "the one" or just someone i really clicked with, but a lot of...firsts have been with him. i don't think i need to clarify that one...
i want to move one and find other people, and i want him to do the same. in the long run, we both want completely different lifestyles, and i'd doubt it would work very well. but...he has tried bringing up the prospects of marriage. no, i'm not kidding; he really has. as fairytale-ish and wonderful as it would sound on paper, i don't know if we'd be a good married couple. who knows though? who really knows how it will all turn out but the Maker Himself? i sure don't. what i do know is that i would be a very happy camper if the universe decided to bring him back to me, but for now, i must let him go.
i am reminded of a very wise quote. sorry, i don't know who said it though.
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i know that this is what's best, but its been so hard to actually come to the conclusion that i need to do this. i've been with the same guy for about two years now (which is an extremely long time in high school) and its safe to say that i've fell firmly in love with him. sure, we have our momentary moments of anger with one another, disagreements on politics or current affairs or just about anything else one could think of, but we always seem to patch things up. no, i don't know if he is "the one" or just someone i really clicked with, but a lot of...firsts have been with him. i don't think i need to clarify that one...
i want to move one and find other people, and i want him to do the same. in the long run, we both want completely different lifestyles, and i'd doubt it would work very well. but...he has tried bringing up the prospects of marriage. no, i'm not kidding; he really has. as fairytale-ish and wonderful as it would sound on paper, i don't know if we'd be a good married couple. who knows though? who really knows how it will all turn out but the Maker Himself? i sure don't. what i do know is that i would be a very happy camper if the universe decided to bring him back to me, but for now, i must let him go.
i am reminded of a very wise quote. sorry, i don't know who said it though.
if you love something, let it go. if you are meant to have it, it will come back to you.deep, huh?
Labels: college, growth, high school, love, relationship, sweetheart
Thursday, June 26, 2008
the hardest thing i'll ever have to do
i know i have said this before, but i can't imagine how hard it will be to leave him behind. i can barely go a week with out seeing him, i don't know how i'll go on being five hours away from him, with plenty of other girls just surrounding him...i really thought i could handle it, but i'm now thinking that i can't.
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this is sort of embarrassing, but i actually wrote out rules for how to interact with him. like, to not call him, bring him up in conversation or to not go out anymore. i don't know what my problem is, but i can't shake him. unconditional love? i don't know...
that's all to report today. i'll be more interesting tomorrow. promise.
Labels: growth, loneliness, love, relationship
Monday, June 23, 2008
hurts so bad
i almost let him go completely. at his party, i did let him go momentarily. however, in the bigger picture of things, i had let him go completely. i started doing things that made me happy again. i started visiting friends more, i shopped, bonded with my parents and started looking forward to the upcoming fall quarter. for the most part, i had completely filled the hole he left in me.
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then, a week or two into summer vacation, he calls me and converses with me for the good part of an hour; something he never does/did. slowly, memories of our past began flooding back and that hole started gaping open once more. it hurt for a bit, but i soon found myself wrapped up in other activities, and i came back to my healed but scarred self once more. then, out of nowhere, he mails me a letter detailing his feelings for me over the past two years: how he's sorry about not being a perfect person, how i'm one of the only people to really understand him, how the "love" we shared has been so...wonderful.
it's not fair. it's really not. i just want to forget him, want to not care. i can remember someone telling me about how they just wanted to hate their significant other so that they would no longer care about them. i remember telling them one of the only remotely sage pieces of advice i have ever given out in my life: if you hate someone, you still care. you just care in a different way. however, i can really sympathize with that person right now, as irrational and un-helpful taking a negative stance may be. the fact of the matter is that he has the only opinion in the world that i give somewhat of a damn about, and i know, bittersweetly, that this feeling is mutual (he can't stand to feel like i'm angry with him, even if i'm not). i can't dwell on this forever, but it seems as if there's no way out for me. i read this book in the library from the guy who wrote men are from mars, women are from venus on the topic of letting go of someone from a deep relationship. he says that we (women especially) need time to grieve the loss of someone important to us, and that females are prone to try to move on with no resolution, much like what i'm doing. he says that its more healthy to be sad for a while than to try to "toughen up" in the face of adversity. i think he's right, but...it sure hurts like hell.
Labels: forget, him, love, relationship, vacation
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