the fat girl goes to college

then, a week or two into summer vacation, he calls me and converses with me for the good part of an hour; something he never does/did. slowly, memories of our past began flooding back and that hole started gaping open once more. it hurt for a bit, but i soon found myself wrapped up in other activities, and i came back to my healed but scarred self once more. then, out of nowhere, he mails me a letter detailing his feelings for me over the past two years: how he's sorry about not being a perfect person, how i'm one of the only people to really understand him, how the "love" we shared has been so...wonderful. 

it's not fair. it's really not. i just want to forget him, want to not care. i can remember someone telling me about how they just wanted to hate their significant other so that they would no longer care about them. i remember telling them one of the only remotely sage pieces of advice i have ever given out in my life: if you hate someone, you still care. you just care in a different way. however, i can really sympathize with that person right now, as irrational and un-helpful taking a negative stance may be. the fact of the matter is that he has the only opinion in the world that i give somewhat of a damn about, and i know, bittersweetly, that this feeling is mutual (he can't stand to feel like i'm angry with him, even if i'm not). i can't dwell on this forever, but it seems as if there's no way out for me. i read this book in the library from the guy who wrote men are from mars, women are from venus on the topic of letting go of someone from a deep relationship. he says that we (women especially) need time to grieve the loss of someone important to us, and that females are prone to try to move on with no resolution, much like what i'm doing. he says that its more healthy to be sad for a while than to try to "toughen up" in the face of adversity. i think he's right, but...it sure hurts like hell.