Saturday, June 28, 2008

rumble

my parents have had marital problems since i can remember, and i have had problems with my mother since i found the courage to speak out against her random outbreaks of rage. so, it didn't really bother me that much when she tried to antagonize me this afternoon. to be honest, i can't point out exactly what i said that offended her so, but offend her i did; and boy, did i hear about it. 

for the last eight years, my mother has been the main breadwinner of our family which has created many dysfunctional financial dynamics between us all. i'm pretty sure that's why i was so bent on finding my own job or source of income. it scared me to think that this unstable woman had a complete economic hold on my life, and i had nothing to do about it. fortunately, i now have access to my college fund and other monies in my savings account.

sadly, i'm pretty certain that this is what keeps my father from divorcing her. he has no independent source of income, save for some money he had prior to the surgery that left him unemployed. he says that he also stays for me, to make sure that i will have a father; but to be quite honest, part of me wishes there was some way for him to leave. thank god i have college coming up.

i will not go into a diatribe on the fear, distrust and disdain i feel for my mother, only to say that there are valid reasons that i will not publicly list. i know that there are some people who wish they could say they had a mother at all. i know there are some people who will read this and feel that i am a spoiled brat, or some other more vicious expletive. i invite these people to step into my shoes. the grass is always greener, but sometimes the gardener is meaner...if that makes any sense. 

no, i don't want an apology from her. i just want out.

before i go, has don imus lost his fucking mind? oy vey dude. oy vey.

btw, here's his rebuttal. i guess he's trying to gain some sort of credibility from his black co-host. even if we were to weigh the scales in his favor and say he was making some sort of misguided political commentary, i just believe it would be quite wise to keep as far away from any type of racial comments for...i don't know...forever?

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Friday, June 27, 2008

where a kid can be a kid

one of my secret obsessions happens to be chuck e. cheese. by obsessed, i mean the entire history of the place; from pizza time theater to the showbiz pizza takeover. when i was wasting time on the internet yesterday, i found a few things of interest. take a lookie:

crank dat chuck e cheese 


dook of the rock-a-fire explosion with "unchained melody"



to be honest, i don't really know why i am so obsessed with this...in fact, when i was little, i can remember being deathly afraid of the walk-around characters. about two years ago, i couldn't get enough...i love chuck e. if i had enough time, i would be a historian on ptt like these good folks...there's just not enough websites dedicated to this.

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Thursday, June 26, 2008

the hardest thing i'll ever have to do

i know i have said this before, but i can't imagine how hard it will be to leave him behind. i can barely go a week with out seeing him, i don't know how i'll go on being five hours away from him, with plenty of other girls just surrounding him...i really thought i could handle it, but i'm now thinking that i can't. 

this is sort of embarrassing, but i actually wrote out rules for how to interact with him. like, to not call him, bring him up in conversation or to not go out anymore. i don't know what my problem is, but i can't shake him. unconditional love? i don't know...

that's all to report today. i'll be more interesting tomorrow. promise.

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Tuesday, June 24, 2008

doctor doctor

note: this post was supposed to be for yesterday (june 23), but my internet went down. i will post again tonight, but here is something to keep you busy:

as someone looking to start a career in the medical field, i absolutely love to watch medical shows. while my mother (and sometimes my father) become squeamish at the sight of open wounds, severely infected cuts filled with pus, or intense operations, i find them quite fascinating. one show, mystery diagnosis on discovery health, is of particular interest to me. to describe the show to someone who's never watched it, i would characterize it as this: think an intense mystery made even more dramatic and heart-wrenching with the facts that the story you're watching actually happened to someone, and in most of the cases, the situation was so dire that death was very likely if immediate action had not taken place. excited yet?

tonight's episode explored two interesting cases. the details aren't necessary to make my point, but if you're interested, the link is "the woman with the knife in her head".  anyhoo, i found it quite angering and disappointing the amount of doctors that seem to simply ignore their patients or try to convince them of having a "simple" diagnosis of a common ailment or infection. i know that most doctors are good, and work to the best of their abilities. however, i have had personal experience with medical personnel with less than perfect bedside manner. while (thankfully) the medical issues i had were not fatal, i can only imagin how hopeless it must feel when one has conditions that aer when dealing with this kind of doctors. jokingly, my mom told me "not to be a sucky doctor like those ones", i truly hope i will not be, and i hope that the new generation of doctors rising won't be either. 

on a different note, the twilight series (by stephenie meyer) has become a guilty pleasure for me. while i personally feel that the main character, bella, is sooooo whiny, overly self-loathing, under-confident and slightly annoying, i can't stop reading. a few of my colleagues recommended the series before i graduated, and i finished twilight in a week. i am now halfway through new moon, and i'm simply kicking myself over my obsession with finishing these books...i'm looking forward to buying eclipse...

oy vey.

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Monday, June 23, 2008

hurts so bad

i almost let him go completely. at his party, i did let him go momentarily. however, in the bigger picture of things, i had let him go completely. i started doing things that made me happy again. i started visiting friends more, i shopped, bonded with my parents and started looking forward to the upcoming fall quarter. for the most part, i had completely filled the hole he left in me. 

then, a week or two into summer vacation, he calls me and converses with me for the good part of an hour; something he never does/did. slowly, memories of our past began flooding back and that hole started gaping open once more. it hurt for a bit, but i soon found myself wrapped up in other activities, and i came back to my healed but scarred self once more. then, out of nowhere, he mails me a letter detailing his feelings for me over the past two years: how he's sorry about not being a perfect person, how i'm one of the only people to really understand him, how the "love" we shared has been so...wonderful. 

it's not fair. it's really not. i just want to forget him, want to not care. i can remember someone telling me about how they just wanted to hate their significant other so that they would no longer care about them. i remember telling them one of the only remotely sage pieces of advice i have ever given out in my life: if you hate someone, you still care. you just care in a different way. however, i can really sympathize with that person right now, as irrational and un-helpful taking a negative stance may be. the fact of the matter is that he has the only opinion in the world that i give somewhat of a damn about, and i know, bittersweetly, that this feeling is mutual (he can't stand to feel like i'm angry with him, even if i'm not). i can't dwell on this forever, but it seems as if there's no way out for me. i read this book in the library from the guy who wrote men are from mars, women are from venus on the topic of letting go of someone from a deep relationship. he says that we (women especially) need time to grieve the loss of someone important to us, and that females are prone to try to move on with no resolution, much like what i'm doing. he says that its more healthy to be sad for a while than to try to "toughen up" in the face of adversity. i think he's right, but...it sure hurts like hell.

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Saturday, June 21, 2008

at this moment

i attended my high school sweetheart's graduation party today, and stayed for approximately fifteen minutes, by choice. why, you ask? i saw in explicit detail for the first time that we came from completely separate worlds. 

while the outer contrasts are plain to see (we are from different races and identify with different teenage subcultures), it is and was the real personality-forming characteristics that will keep us from ever becoming more than friends. although he is the male that i feel the closest to, the one i trust the most, i do not believe a marriage or dedicated relationship would ever come to fruition between us. 

on a different topic, does anyone know of any headache cures that don't require medication? i've been having problems with them and i'm out of advil...

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Friday, June 20, 2008

tyra tries and food network lies

i usually don't watch tyra, but today i was intrigued. today's show was her first "black women's summit", or discussion of issues that pertained especially to the black female community. one of the topics i found most intriguing was the one on beauty; especially the one about body image. now, of course tyra and a few plus-sized audience members praised loving yourself and your body regardless of what men think of you (excepting one unusually ignorant and tactless male panel member who felt that men would sleep with anyone, causing fat girls to think they were attractive when they actually weren't). however, i was quite stymied to see when a commercial for one of next week's shows was about how to lose those extra few pounds to look great in this season's swimsuits. maybe it's just me, but aren't those contradictory values? call me crazy...

on a lighter note, i've been wanting to blog about something i stumbled across on accident. the other day, i was wasting my time on youtube (instead of facebook...oy vey) when i saw this interesting vid...i'll let it speak for itself.





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Thursday, June 19, 2008

life goes on

hmm. i wish life would go faster than it is. as of now, i am waiting at home for my life to begin essentially. not diet life, the cloistered, sheltered kind that your parents feed you for the sake of your "feelings" or "sanity" or whatever. i want it, but do i want it? there's so many questions i have about the upcoming months that i'm going insane.

the sad thing is, some of these questions aren't just regarding myself, but a lot of the people i know as well. what will become of them? will they keep in contact with me? will they get girlfriends and boyfriends, get married, get pregnant, drop out? will they change? will they remember me?

fortunately, i do have a close friend that i will room with. however, that doesn't account for the rest of the people i know. will i find a boyfriend, or any guy i'm attracted to? will i find someone who's attracted to me? i have no idea.

there's one thing i do know for sure: there is no potential for true growth in the place i am mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually. especially spiritually. for the first time in a long time (i know this will sound really bad), i had the real desire to be close to God, to go to church, to read the Bible. i don't think i'm going to be one of those people who "finds" themselves in college, but one who will be able to fully express themselves without expression. 

i just hope the food is good.

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